Enjoy!
Monthly Archives: April 2015
There But For the Grace of Gov. Cuomo Go I
[This message was sent to Gov. Cuomo today:]
Dear Governor Cuomo;
Your recent legislation passed which authorizes our great state to imprison citizens who can’t afford to pay child support or taxes makes me want to plan being separated from my child, instead of planning her college years.
Perhaps this corresponding article sheds light on where I see my life possibly heading….
http://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2015/04/20/upshot/missing-black-men.html?hp&action=click&pgtype=Homepage&module=second-column-region®ion=top-news&WT.nav=top-news&abt=0002&abg=1
Is it your mission to create debtor prisons, or is this just a coincidence?
Concerned,
Ren
Potential convict
THE MOST RACIST AWARDS — MOST RACIST STATE 2015
(Drum roll, Fanfare, and Dancers fill the stage…)
ANNOUNCER: LIVE, from New York, it’s the 25th Annual Most Racist Award, starring your host, Sara Silver!
SILVER enters stage to thunderous applause.
SILVER: Thank you all, and welcome to the 25th Annual Most Racist Award, I’m Sara Silver. Our first Award goes to the Most Racist State. Presenting the award, the McConnaissance, and the Queen of Mean, Matthew McConaughey and Sandra Bullock. (More applause)
MCONAUGHEY: Alright, alright!
BULLOCK: (sighs disapprovingly) You promised you weren’t gonna say that Matthew. I would like to state for the record that people don’t just call me mean for playing a racist on film, I’m also known for upsetting Blacks by playing a non-existent, suburban house mom who isn’t afraid of a large homeless black man and unconvincingly welcomes him politely to move into her home with her children.
MCONAUGHEY: Thanks Sandra, we have many reasons to hate you. The nominees for Most Racist State are: Missouri, Texas, Alabama and Michigan. The winner is (long silent pause) MICHIGAN, for usurping Detroit’s municipal system, and arresting minorities while shopping or touring their own city. Congratulations you racist (Censored Expletive) knockers! Back to you Sara!
SILVER: Thanks Matthew for that emotional finish! Michigan IS the rape capital of our great nation, according to Forbes.com, housing the most rapes per capita — Detroit, Saginaw and Flint, so it should be no surprise they are recipients of the Most Racist prize. We’ll be back after this message from our sponsor, Starbucks’ Coffee, reminding YOU to sprinkle some racial progress into your day, while exerting the remainder of your efforts, or lack thereof, to undermine it. Starbucks’, Race Together!
‘Dynasty’ Heiress Served Rare
This breaking news story is brought to you by Benihana Steakhouse, home of the Kabuki Kids – your kids won’t know they are eating fresh, nutritious food!
We interrupt this 5 hour Justin Bieber documentary to bring you breaking news… (dit, dit, da, dit, dit, ta, dit, dit, dit…)
Television heiress Tori Spelling fell onto a hot grill at Benihana on Easter Sunday, but hid the true pain from her 4 children.
‘You could tell she was hurting, but she was trying to put on a brave face for the sake of her four young children who were quite obviously worried,’ says the source. ‘Dean looked upset too, but you could tell they were doing their best to stay calm and not alarm the children.’
“I’m Tori Spelling, out of my way, commoners!” She was reported to be screaming, while rushing to the family car. Doctors checked her into West Hills Hospital, north of Hollywood, a neighborhood notorious for harboring those with no souls.
The grill is reported to be in good stable working condition. “We just scraped the burnt skin from the grill with a spatula, and kept using it; a Chef was in the middle of flipping shrimp tails onto his head, and we NEVER interrupt THAT magic.” The manager stated after the incident.
In a related story, unbeknownst to all, but the source, the Spellings were apparently dining with a primary source of Tori Spelling gossip and conjecture. Ms. Spelling was too distracted by severe burns to figure out who the rat is in her inner circle, but we will keep you informed of further developments.
Those sympathetic to Ms. Spelling can take comfort in knowing she makes lots of money from syndicated programs, including Charlie’s Angels, Starsky and Hutch, Fantasy Island, Dynasty, Beverly Hills, 90210,7th Heaven, Melrose Place and Charmed.
Something Stinks, and It’s not the Sushi!
This post is brought to you by F Town, your local supermarket. This week’s food stamp specials include great deals on luncheon meat, low-end cold cuts and the most tasteless our store has to offer!
Missouri’s attempt to limit the poverty stricken’s food options has inspired F Town to increase supplies of CHUM, America’s favorite canned protein, fresh bologna and salami sushi rolls, and cereals which have no sugar at all. Why spend what little money you have on food everyone else eats, when you can further stigmatize yourself by being known for buying healthy food even wealthy people won’t eat. Eat at F Town — What the F?!
Race Against Race! 